It is interesting to me that as I'm preparing to share about this theme of OCD- the facts, figures, fears, and treatments- I myself am fearful of how to do it “right”. How do I communicate acceptance of varying opinions and preferences while not ostracizing those who may feel differently? What if my language choices are misinterpreted as “too (insert any cultural judgment here!)” How can I model willingness to make a public statement while acknowledging that we do live in a world where people feel sometimes entitled to bully or willfully misrepresent others? The truth is I’ve engaged in a bit of avoidance of this post! But the time has come- Let’s talk about the fear of being “CANCELED”.
We all know what that is: Someone does something, someone else doesn't like it and puts it on the internet, and… CANCELED. Fears of being negatively affected by what we collectively call “cancel culture” have risen sharply alongside the rise of social media. And for good reason really. It is true that as we have become more connected, our private lives have become less private. We all have little cameras and recording devices in our pockets, and there are many places online where one could share a negative interaction, story, or judgment that they have about you. We as humans also love drama, have a tendency to want to bully others when we feel hurt or threatened, and are not known for our desire to look for the nuance or rationale in behaviors we disagree with. At the same time, shining a light on dangerous or dishonest behaviors can be an important way to keep ourselves safe from manipulation or harm, especially from those who are in positions of power.
When it comes to irrational, obsessive thoughts about being canceled, it's important to clarify what we are actually afraid of here. As with other OCD themes, the theme is just the theme, and is not usually a comprehensive reflection of the fear. Common fears that come up with cancel culture are:
Social rejection, either from society at large or our more intimate communities
Loss of agency over occupational future
Financial concerns
Negative effects on family, friends, or acquaintances.
Fearing the feelings of guilt, shame, loneliness, or rejection
For some, other themes of OCD get intertwined. False memory OCD may make you wonder if you can trust the kind of behaviors you had in the past, and worry about if you will get canceled for this. Moral or religious scrupulosity thinking may suggest that unless you are following rules or faith to a perfect level, you’ll be canceled. Relationship OCD may suggest that if you are not with the perfect partner, you’ll be canceled. The list goes on and on! For those with this fear, making choices about behaviors both in person and online can start to feel impossible. When you perceive every action as a potential reason for ostracism or judgment, you may feel caught in a loop of dangerous decision making.
To start getting movement from this stuck place, we need to decide to become more tolerant of the risks inherent in being an individual in the world we live in now. We need to accurately assess the risk of a choice rather than catastrophize about what could happen. We need to let go of the need to be approved of by any and every single person, and lean into hope that if you make a mistake, there may be some grace.
If you’ve spent any time in session with our therapists, or read any other content here, you know that we are big into values. You’ll hear us prompting clients to consider what kind of person they want to be, what feels important to them, or how they want to be remembered. If you’ve not purposely explored your own values, I encourage you to check out these links:
CLARIFYING YOUR VALUES (Adapted From Tobias Lundgren’s Bull’s Eye Worksheet) (thehappinesstrap.com)
Mindfulness (actmindfully.com.au)
Finding your values is often the easy part. The hard part is getting brave enough to act in line with them. When it comes to fears of being canceled, this can be particularly frustrating, as our values are often the things we feel proud about, or want to share with others. Living bravely in your values may mean that you have to publicly stand up for something, or against something. It may mean that you express disagreement with a loved one or go against a cultural “norm” that doesn’t seem to fit you anymore. It can be loud, messy, and inconvenient. For others, living in your values may mean you need to pull back. Maybe you don’t respond or make a public statement about an event in the news because doing so is an act of anxiety. Maybe publicly supporting every cause that you align with is less about your values and more about an anxious desire to be known as an engaged activist. It may mean putting aside your personal preferences despite fears of what others might think about your non-response. It may look like changing your mind about a topic or situation, and then considering if you should address that publicly or privately.
As you lean into bravery, make sure you are filling your life with relationships that are supportive, and vulnerable, and honest. Practice offering an apology when (and only when!) it is needed. Find places where you can try on your most authentic self, and chances are you’ll find that you can stumble in your words and actions, without being canceled.
